Tag Archives: hobbit

Before the coffee kicks in- the “it has mostly replaced my blood” edition

I haven’t done one of these in a while. My kindergartener is off to school. Her little sister is busy being three years old. The cat it hiding and my wife is getting ready for a pre-work appointment. I am trying to plan out the day’s errands and finding my brain is uncooperative. So the time has come once again to sit my ass down with more coffee, open up this blog, and write down the thought poops that drop out. So here we go.

Sometimes I think the cat is part owl.

Sometimes I think my children are part Chihuahua.

When did being intelligent start becoming a liability?

I need more fun socks.

I want to know why I have dreams about fighting for my life.

Where can I learn how to sew?

My wife looks really cute with glasses. And without glasses.

If my feet were hairy I would actually be a hobbit.

Has anyone actually tried to use a banana as a boomerang?

As a kid I wanted superpowers. As an adult nothing has changed.

If another species develops opposable thumbs and higher reasoning we’re screwed.

Someone should bring me pie.

What age will my kids be when they realize I have no idea what I’m doing?

I think my country should be called the Dysfunctional States of America. I’ve never known it to be united and doubt I ever will. Not necessarily a bad thing.

A hovercraft really isn’t practical for everyday use.

Am I going mad or is this just me getting old?

This is where I am going to stop. My thoughts are starting to become more coherent and that signals the end. Plus, I need to get my daughter ready to go buy some cat food. For the cat, not for my daughter. Though both my children have tasted cat food at one point. It was a learning experience. Enjoy your day.

 

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Strange talent

People develop as they grow. I’m not just talking about puberty and aging and all the weird biological stuff. People develop abilities, skills, and talents. Some stuff you learn through formal lessons and practice. Other things come naturally to some without much in the way of training. Then there are the things you suddenly become good at without even realizing it. I have become very well acquainted with the third scenario.

Perhaps this makes me some form of a Renaissance man, but one who was part of a very weak Renaissance. I will take this time to share some of these talents with you. Let me again state that these are not things I trained to do from any desire to better myself. These either came about through attempts at self-amusement or by accident. Basically, they just kind of happened over time.

Talent #1- I have found that I can detect smelly poops from another room. Be it diaper, litter box, or someone having a bad reaction to cheese I shall detect it.

Talent #2- If a popular song exists, I will turn it into a song about my cat. Possibly a song about my kids or whatever I’m currently doing. But more than likely the cat.

Talent #3- I have the ability to serve as a human sofa and jungle gym for the previously mentioned cat and children.

Talent #4- As I age, my changing appearance has informed me that I’ve developed a strange metamorphic ability. I appear to be turning into some form of hobbit wizard.

Talent #5- After years of dealing with the general public, I now have the talent to control my urge hit all stupid people with a rolled up magazine and say “Bad human” to them. This has kept me employed.

How about you folks? What strange talents have you developed? Are they a source of pride or a dark secret that you fear will make all shun you? Either way, feel free to share!

The little guy

It has been brought to my attention numerous times, usually by people who like having a “state the obvious contest,” that I’m not a tall man. This is true. I’m 5′ 7″ on a good day. Not as short as I could be, but in a country where a lot of men seem to be closer to the six feet mark it’s short enough. Even my own three-year-old recently referred to me as a little guy (which was, admittedly, pretty funny) and she is only about hip high.

Honestly, I’m fine with it. My 5’6″ wife didn’t wear heels at our wedding because she didn’t want to tower over me. She was also afraid of tripping, but that happened anyway when we danced. I am constantly compared to a hobbit and a Muppet, which is cool because I like those things.

What can get frustrating is that every so often, you run into someone who looks at it as a character flaw. There are people who obviously think that men who aren’t tall are inferior, weak, or stupid. If you try to be assertive, you get accused of having the dreaded Napoleon complex. It also sucks when someone who is taller than you tries to use this to intimidate you. Because we are apparently all cave people, and being the biggest and strongest is the end of it all. Oh wait, it’s not.

I like not feeling cramped in my car. There have been plenty of times where not being a tall guy has been in my favor. I rarely have an issue finding clothes in my size.  Most importantly, my wife has no issue with it. She loves me as is, hobbit legs and all.

If you are one of those people who think of me as “the little guy,” that’s fine. My daughter followed up her observation by exclaiming that she loved the little guy. That’s the best endorsement I can get.